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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 11:58 am 
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Following on from J.R.R Haddary's cult classic...

The Yakubufication of Celluminati
by Coachilliam 'Bahiagbon' Shakespeare

The sun, having risen like the soaring phoenix, burnt brilliantly in the Brazilian blue sky. Omnipresent, omnipotent, omnisexual, caressing the contoured bodies of man and woman alike, with seductively scorching strokes. Not only did it have its hat on, but a luminous zoot suit glowing like the fabulously fro'd Ohsee of old neath the disco ball, dancefloor bloodstained and begging for mercy. The heat was on and the kitchen, Copa Cabana beach, gorgeously golden sands decorated indelibly with bikinied bullion.

Beyond the borders of the eye's acuity lay architectural ingenuity, landscapes as pristine and precise as the perfervid strokes of Picasso's paintbrush. Apples, onions, pears, watermelons, a fabulous fruit salad of more meat than a stew pot besides the boulder-like ball of amala before Babafad. Big, burly, large, leviathanic, an Obelisk and more, equally adorned in equatorial sized elasticated trousers and topless, rumours abound he'd eaten his Asterisk, a morsel of much significance, as time would tell.

As the sun spent all its carnal concupiscence massaging said mounds with a Midas touch, rendering pale skins gold and gold more golden, the joyous chimes of boast and banter danced from the deckchairs strategically placed on such vantage points as to pardon a festival of voyeuristic perversion with precious little giveaway. Mazi Ohsee had woke early that morning, paced the beach's full width and breadth, pondered Pythagorean equations, before setting the stalls, chairs and other paraphernalia down. Inch perfect, the old owl had lost much with age, but for every bit of mojo passed, he'd acquired knowledge akin to the star reading ancestors.

"3-1" bellowed a skyscraping, Soul Glo jherri curled Cyberian, between forceful gnashes at the assorted meats in hand. Optimism, positivity and yet, somewhat paradoxically, the precursor to gutteral groans and shouts of condemnation. In this motley crew of Avengers, this Marvelesque assembly of Cyberian X Men, Mr Nice was more Jean Gray than Charles Xavier, enarmored with the powers of telekinesis, his was an ability to render Rome, at the height of its plom, perfectly useless in a sentence. "Give to Caesar..." and with that Caesar was given death and most certainly, his Pompeia debauched to her delight on those divorce papers, as he lay there bleeding.

"Oooooo! You don come again with dis yor jinx! Mek u not tok am agen, mek u not o! I no wan hear am! No be u wey say Moses go tek him fullback drink garri? No be Iranian garri and okro dey for his mouth. E no chop am o! Abeg oooooooo!". Pokey, as ever, emotive, exaggerating, entertaining, Cyberia's very own Thing, as aesthetically pleasing as a lopsided b*llock, his power remains unclassified, but certainly wasn't in dress sense or fashion. If the devil wears Prada, one can only imagine what old Nick would make of a Chelsea shirt, two sizes too small, bellytopping a grown man. Rapturous applause and laughter greeted Pokey's rant, hands stretched towards the platter once more.

"Dis meat sweet pass JET, Boeing 747 and G6 dey for Arsenal academy" muttered Professor W, "wetin be dis? Grasscutter?".

"Stop! Policia arresto" or something similarly sounding, boomed a beach patroller. In an instant, a relaxing, pre-match indulgence in cuisine and curvatures in the beach bars before the games, had skipped from the sands of serendipity to bad luck and misfortune. Unbeknownst to the gnashing teeth and licked fingers, Celluminati, in accordance with the sacrificial shenanigans of secret society, had acquired an octopus, the eating of which would impress upon the average and sub-par Eagles, unparalleled talents and ability. That same morning, FIFA had called an audience before the aquatorium to see the eight tentacled oracle predict the prosperers from the day's contests. CCTV footage had shown Celluminati, v-shaped eyebrows akin to a modern day Ming the Merciless, strip fully naked, before sketching stars and various celestial shapes upon his nakedness and diving into the oversized fish tank.

A cartoon villain cackled laugh greeted the call for "hands in the air". "Let me explanate" offered Mazi Ohsee, "Cellysanjo na real...", "shato apo" a bystander interrupted, in a show of patriotism perhaps, the Hobbit height cab driver, of enforced Brazilian accent and Ayewdinho written in Biro across his back, flashed a right hand that knocked the red cap clean off the village elder's crown.

"You're all under arrestio".

"Chai, so na di state of our union go be twenty five to life o!!!! Chai!" Robby prophesied and as if by magic, the handcuffs loosened their hold, failed their hinges and collapsed to the floor. What manner of mystery, jinx and conjuring had transpired thought the gathering crowd. "Los omenos" chorused across the Capabana.

"Ahem, let me explanate" tendered Ohsee once more, "di tings wey jigglypuff for dis beach eh, na real jontoriffic jontofication, mek I..." coming to abrupt pause, he completed his parlance with forceful thrusts of his pelvis in the direction of those shapely splendours.

"Winner takes the world" beamed an arms outstretched in dictatorial fashion Cellybangida. "5 aside, one goal wins...the world" he followed, as if such was within his possession.

The stage was set, in reverence to his age and seniority, La Policia, perhaps overzealously afforded Mazi the liberty to pick the opposition. Five plentifully breasted, amply derriered spectacles later and the great escape was in full flourish. The hosts, Iraniacal in defence and magnificently seductive up top, proved an assured, measured, not least in J cup and Kash n Karrymetres, opponent, thrice striking the bar from range. The Cyberian's had, in comparison, been poor, Pokey, pedestrian, playing a plethora of short, sideways passes whilst humming the Run My Race instrumental. Pass completion 98%, but none of creative influence. The shape, predictable, two at the back, the mercurial Mazi in the hole and two sizeable galoots up top, Shola Amerobby and Emmanuel Celluminike.

Picked purely for his critically acclaimed and evidently unsubstantiated, hold up play, Robby had shown the composure of an oga on top in the housemaid's bedroom. His strike partner, cut a forlorn figure, filling the void between lazy offsides with diabolical dives and calls for "penarities" irrespective of distance from the opposing area.

"We're heading for penalties Jeff" and then it happened, fortune and all its serendipity. A goal mouth scramble, a casual elbow to the well cushioned Babafadian ribs, sees a neurologically impossible reflex reaction, Ejideonics, but for a rebound off the stanchion.

"Robby with the clearance, anywhere will do Jeff"..."its with Pokey now, glorious turn, beats one, beats two, what a pass Andy!...Ohsee's away surely".

Arms swinging post haste simulating pace, if only the feet would oblige. Arriving second to the ball, the trailing leg would do to Okosisi as the cutlass does the compounds lifeless grass.

"A thunderous fifty:fifty Jeff, both players are down", "and that's got to hurt" the pundit added. A scissor-like challenge had toppled Mazi, the momentum carrying an exquisitely endowed beautifully black brick house tumbling atop the prostrated pensioner. The fall, forceful, impressing upon the talisman breast cups, kegs and tumblers. "Dia ris God o", the zinedian octogenarian proclaimed from the depths of his mammory confine.

"A fortunate ricochet sends Celluminike clear Andy, he's one on one, has he got the pace to get there first?".

"The keeper's coming for it". Hurrying towards the striker, magnificently mounded, beautifully buttocked, both bouncing in perfect unison, up, down, left, right, dancing like the ancients in rhythmic capoeira.

"She's going to get there first J..oh! Brilliant from Celluminike, a Pele-esque dummy sends her one way, he's gone the other, genius, surely Jeff! Surely".

Goal gaping, a call for composure, the simplest of strokes, the easiest of finishes. Therein lay its difficulty. Neath the roaring inferno, the blazing ball of fire, the scorching summer solstice would make of his acumen an absolute Ameobi.

"Oooooooo, he's got to score, he had to score and he missed Andy". "Its a quick counter Jeff, terrific pace, look at them go, the bra straps broken, the thongs torn, she's one on one Jeff, Kash n Karry's got his camera out, he thinks its all over". "It is now!".


Last edited by Coach on Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 12:19 pm 
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I'm still amazed that someone can consistently write in this style without developing a headache himself...

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 12:33 pm 
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E pass headache since, na migraine wey im chop . Even me, I no fit read am unless Bufren dey.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 2:51 pm 
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Even the one liner about headache, dey cause headache for person..chaii!! :D :D

Coach wrote:
E pass headache since, na migraine wey im chop . Even me, I no fit read am unless Bufren dey.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:19 pm 
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Dia ris God o!


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:24 pm 
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:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

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Form is temporary; Class is Permanent!
Liverpool, European Champions 2005.

We watched this very boring video, 500 times, of Sacchi doing defensive drills, using sticks and without the ball, with Maldini, Baresi and Albertini. We used to think before then that if the other players are better, you have to lose. After that we learned anything is possible – you can beat better teams by using tactics." Jurgen Klopp


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 5:00 pm 
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I go soon purshase folder, of di 5 ring binder variety, said rings 1/4 inch thick, stainless steel.

Step 2 na to print out as many of Coach's encrypted missives as I can, and fill up the folder.

Step 3, anybody wey think say dem sabi Bekee, ah go gee dem di folder.

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I understand that Nigerians are upset, but they should understand that we as players are even more upset. After all we are here to play ourselves into big clubs in Europe. :lol: :lol:

-Victor Nsofor, right after Nigeria crashed out at the 1st round of the 2010 WC.



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 6:58 pm 
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E dey do you like film trick?


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 10:22 pm 
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Kai, Wilmafakespia! You too much. I now down chop grass.

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Only two things in life are certain - death and taxes. But there is one other unpleasant certainty: criticism. No one escapes it entirely and often our careers, our emotional stability, even our happiness depends on how we react to it."By Benjamin Franklin"


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 9:46 am 
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bamenda boy wrote:
Kai, Wilmafakespia! You too much. I now down chop grass.

.... as usual ni.

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"The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself" - ABBA.
"Facts, Logic, truth is the way....stop ranting via emotions; seeing things through the prism of ethnicity is comfortable but ultimately a road to perdition." - airwolex.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 2:04 am 
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What I like most on Ikechukwucoachitos writings are his uses of metaphors, similes, and allusions. He isles me to read.

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Only two things in life are certain - death and taxes. But there is one other unpleasant certainty: criticism. No one escapes it entirely and often our careers, our emotional stability, even our happiness depends on how we react to it."By Benjamin Franklin"


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 2:28 am 
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Google translate no work on dis oh :(

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We have been brainwashed by the Premier League that it's the best in the world. Nonsense. It's the best brand
Roy Keane: ITV 02/25/14

He says that we are currently "brainwashed" into believing that the Premier League is the best competition in the world, and that we are now a long way off dominating the Champions League again.
Gary Neville: Mirror: 12/23/14

I think Spain’s by far the best league.
Scholes. UK Guardian 9/6/16


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 3:18 pm 
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Part 2 on the horizon, the Muntarification of...??? Suggestions...

Might one add, this World Cup is proving the perfect antidote to the writer's block that has kept the overdue anthology, long overdue. These short stories do keep the mind pacing.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2014 4:43 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

how did I miss this??

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 2:43 am 
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tfco wrote:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

how did I miss this??

you were seeking for Asylum in Brazil. Ewu midget.

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Only two things in life are certain - death and taxes. But there is one other unpleasant certainty: criticism. No one escapes it entirely and often our careers, our emotional stability, even our happiness depends on how we react to it."By Benjamin Franklin"


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2014 12:37 pm 
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bamenda boy wrote:
tfco wrote:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

how did I miss this??

you were seeking for Asylum in Brazil. Ewu midget.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

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