1. Form an FA for once.
2. Hire an indigenous Mr Martins, Mr West or Mr George to fool people into thinking that you've got a foreign coach.
3. Kick Nwastepipe Kanuseless and Garbage Lawalawa out of the team.
4. Poke Yobo's butt with a pin each time he falls asleep on the pitch. Before the match, dunk his head in a bucket of boiling hot coffee repeatedly. He will not dare to snooze off when defending again, EVER! You may cause him permanent psychological damage, but who cares about his well-being anyway, it's not as if he does not end up playing just hours after alighting from a long-haul flight with no proper national team jersey to don!
5. Go to the Sao Paulo youth academy now and use a little juju, greenbacks, okin biscuits, yam and some suya to tempt the entire U-19 first team into taking up Nigerian citizenship.
6. Hire Ayo Akinfe as head coach.
7. On second thought, bring Kanu back into the team.
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**Nigeria vs Jamaica in the year 2010, the only friendly Nigeria is playing before the World Cup finals**
Players capped for one country may now play for another adopted country.
Ayo Akinfe: "Kanu, the net is over there!"
Adebayor: "Just because my shirt number is 4, I am not Kanu! Oga, Kanu is still down there, jogging alongside Enyeama."
Just as the two are conversing, a winger high on cocaine sends in a cross for Adebayor but Adebayor is outjumped by Jamaica's Ludovic Giuly, who heads the ball out of the box. Nigeria's Frank Lampard takes a volley which is deflected off the real Kanu from one yard out, but oh dear! The ball sails over the bar.
Ayo Akinfe: "I don't know if you are Adebayor or Kanu, but anyway, please aim for the goalnet, not the fishnet stockings of that leggy brunette in the crowd!"
At the post-match conference, a reporter quizzes Ayo Akinfe. Ayo gets philosophical and whines about the Kano pitch, the referee, Kanu's poor performance and the lingering trauma of WC06 qualification. Yobo's lapses of concentration made the final score 4-0 to Jamaica.
"1) The referee failed to spot countless Jamaican fouls.
2) We had definite penalty claims waved off.
3) If not for Kanu, we would have won the match.
4) Whenever Kanu tracked back to help defend, our 3-5-2 became 4-5-1 and then 3-6-2 half an hour after that, because it took Kanu so long to get back to the forefront.
5) Bryan Robson would make a better mana... Oops!
6) The pitch was like the Sahel, so we couldn't play well.
7) We lost because of the Igbo members of our squad.
8) At half-time, Obi was dragged off the pitch by his agents just as he was about to take a penalty and was hidden in the jungle, because there were reports of Chelsea and Man Utd officials nearby. In injury time, while in possession of the ball, Kanu ran into the stands to offer to help a man who was suffering a heart attack. He offered him a place on the KHF waiting list to India. Early in the game, Okocha was distracted by a vision of a spectator waving a million dollars in his face and didn't dribble well after that.
9) The lack of fan support cost us the match.
10) If you don't want to support me, then don't."
