THE FOOTBALL AND SEX FILES
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THE FOOTBALL AND SEX FILES
Some of these stories are so fun! 
http://www.football365.com/features/fun ... 0604.shtml
The Football And Sex Files
Monday August 02 2004
We barely need an excuse to polish off our tales of football-related debauchery starring whipped cream, a 'meal' in a country lane and, erm, pizza. So, so good...
Franz Beckenbauer And The Mistletoe
Football365 would love to be a fly on the wall the day Frank 'The Kaiser' Beckenbauer sits down with his young son and explains that mummy and daddy conceived him during a romantic interlude at the Bayern Munich Christmas party.
Beckenbauer had a Palios-style brief fling - we cannot confirm whether a stationary cupboard or photocopier was involved - with a Bayern Munich secretary at the club's Yuletide celebrations that resulted in the birth of a child and the end of his marriage.
The name of the child? Noel, of course.
And let's have a minute for Beckenbauer's comments at a 'difficult time' for him and his wife: "Obviously, it's worse for her than me."
Oliver Kahn And The Barmaid
Proof positive that looks are not overly important when it comes to football folk doing mucky things - Kahn once boasted that he could 'write a guide to Munich's nightlife', which would probably include a section on a very, erm, generous barmaid.
The great white ape was villified by the German press when he was snapped coming in and out of the young barmaid's apartment, just days before his wife was to give birth to their second child.
Kahn and Mrs Kahn split to leave best pal Jens Lehmann giggling into his goalkeeper gloves as he cattily explained their frosty relationship: "I don't have a 24-year-old girlfriend. I have a different life."
Of course, Kahn no longer has a 24-year-old girlfriend either. He's 'concentrating on football'. Which is probably about time.
David James And A Friend Reunited
They say that you never forget your first love. And they say that footballers have too much time on their hands. Combine the two and you get David James rekindling his teenage romance with a part-time shopworker from Welwyn Garden City.
James left his wife of almost 12 years and mother of his five children to set up home with Amanda Salmon after The Sunday People exposed him and his string of mucky text messages and phone calls.
Unfortunately for James, he has since let Salmon slip through his hands, and Mrs James is currently in consultation with the same lawyer who represented Karen Parlour. Ouch and double ouch.
Peter Shilton And The 'Meal'
When poor Colin found his wife Tina in a state of undress with goalkeeping legend Peter Shilton in a quiet country lane, he probably didn't know whether to ask for his autograph or smack him one. Shilts did not stick around to find out: driving hurriedly off - straight into a lamppost.
Shilton was arrested for drink-driving and was eventually fined £350 and banned from driving for 15 months. In court he admitted to 'taking a lady for a meal' - which is certainly one way of putting things.
Yorke, Bozzer And The Skirt
Being friends with Dwight Yorke has its advantages. And besides always being 'the good-looking one' is the fact that you get to share in the great man's poon. The problem only comes when he films it and casually throws the video away to be found by an enterprising Sun reader.
Thus in 1998 we were treated to pictures of Bosnich, Yorke, an unnamed man and two women in various stages of undress, performing what the tabloids call 'sex acts' on each other.
Several pictures alarmingly showed Bosnich in a skirt, while others showed his toes being sucked (by the women, not Dwight) and the cream of the, erm, crop pictured our man leaning over a dresser while one of the women prepared to smack him with a paddle.
Lovely.
Jamie Carragher And The Whipped Cream
The scousest man in Britain ('wha'?) was dressed as the Hunchback of Notre Dame when the strippers arrived for the Liverpool Christmas party of 1998. Soon he cast off his hump, lost his own trousers, threw one stripper over his shoulder, got out the whipped cream and then engaged in 'sex acts'.
Unfortunately for him, the News of the World procured the pictures and over a four-page spead - thankfully with offending 'parts' blacked out - we were treated to a lesson in debauchery from the man who can indeed play in a variety of positions.
Most interesting though, the newspaper reported that Michael Owen retired sheepishly to stand in a corner while Paul Ince looked 'concerned'. Robbie Fowler was presumably busy snorting the cream.
Garry Flitcroft And The Lapdancer. And The Nursery Nurse
In 2001 an 'England footballer' gagged the Sunday People after they threatened to reveal details of the married 'England footballer's' affair with two women. Who could it be? David Beckham? Nah, he's too clean-cut, we thought. Michael Owen? Nah, he wasn't married.
But it was bigger than that - it was England B footballer and Blackburn midfielder Garry Flitcroft, who temporarily stopped the Sunday tabloid from revealing details of his muckiness with a lap-dancer and a nursery nurse (we're guessing he doesn't go for a 'type').
Unfortunately the two women knew each other and conspired to stitch up the midfielder who had absent-mindedly forgotten to tell the unhappy ladies he was married, and had not coughed up the £5000 he had promised to one unhappy woman (guess which) for cosmetic surgery.
Funnily enough, Mrs Flitcroft wasn't happy either.
Stan Collymore And The Doggers
If you really must go looking for sex with strangers in public places - and some of us really must - then it's probably best not to go with a personalised license plate. Especially if you're Stanley Victor Collymore.
The Sun must have thought all their Christmases had come at once in Franz Beckenbauer style when doggers in the Midlands reported that SVC1 had been soliciting folk for sex in laybys frequented by the dogging fraternity. As we all either rushed to find out what 'dogging' is, or pretended that we didn't really know that much about it, Stanley added 'sexual pervert' to a CV that included 'woman-beater' and 'prat'.
But he also proved to be a gentleman, texting The Sun journalist: 'Lucy is very attractive, and would love to get intimate with her but if you guys at first only want to be watched, then that’s fine.'
Which is nice. Though possibly not for Stan's wife Estelle.
Wayne Rooney And The Hooker
'To Charlotte, I shagged u on 28 Dec. Loads of Love. Wayne Rooney.'
We suspect that Rooney trying to explain away that little note to a prostitute was the reason fiancee Coleen reportedly hurled her engagement ring into a squirrel sanctuary near their Merseyside home.
His inevitable argument that it was 'a different Wayne Rooney' would not have stood up to the ironclad testimony of 'leggy' Charlotte Glover, who told the Sunday Mirror: "There was no mistaking it was Wayne Rooney because he was dead ugly."
Ruud Gullit, Gazza And The Pizza Waitress
'There was not a lot of foreplay, but I didn't mind...Ruud is very well endowed' - that was the verdict of pizza waitress Lisa Jensen on Ruud Gullit - inventor of 'sexy football' (but not 'sexy sex', it seems), wearer of dreadlocks and lover of women.
But despite Jensen's revelations in the Sunday tabloids, Ruud still persuaded Estelle Cruyff (niece of Johan) to become his third wife, saying: "Estelle knows what I am really like and that is all that matters to me."
Now we know this is not true and clearly what's really bothering Gullit is that the saucy pizza waitress was also having it away with Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne and she declared the fat, alcoholic Geordie a far better lover. Now that's got to hurt...
http://www.football365.com/features/fun ... 0604.shtml
The Football And Sex Files
Monday August 02 2004
We barely need an excuse to polish off our tales of football-related debauchery starring whipped cream, a 'meal' in a country lane and, erm, pizza. So, so good...
Franz Beckenbauer And The Mistletoe
Football365 would love to be a fly on the wall the day Frank 'The Kaiser' Beckenbauer sits down with his young son and explains that mummy and daddy conceived him during a romantic interlude at the Bayern Munich Christmas party.
Beckenbauer had a Palios-style brief fling - we cannot confirm whether a stationary cupboard or photocopier was involved - with a Bayern Munich secretary at the club's Yuletide celebrations that resulted in the birth of a child and the end of his marriage.
The name of the child? Noel, of course.
And let's have a minute for Beckenbauer's comments at a 'difficult time' for him and his wife: "Obviously, it's worse for her than me."
Oliver Kahn And The Barmaid
Proof positive that looks are not overly important when it comes to football folk doing mucky things - Kahn once boasted that he could 'write a guide to Munich's nightlife', which would probably include a section on a very, erm, generous barmaid.
The great white ape was villified by the German press when he was snapped coming in and out of the young barmaid's apartment, just days before his wife was to give birth to their second child.
Kahn and Mrs Kahn split to leave best pal Jens Lehmann giggling into his goalkeeper gloves as he cattily explained their frosty relationship: "I don't have a 24-year-old girlfriend. I have a different life."
Of course, Kahn no longer has a 24-year-old girlfriend either. He's 'concentrating on football'. Which is probably about time.
David James And A Friend Reunited
They say that you never forget your first love. And they say that footballers have too much time on their hands. Combine the two and you get David James rekindling his teenage romance with a part-time shopworker from Welwyn Garden City.
James left his wife of almost 12 years and mother of his five children to set up home with Amanda Salmon after The Sunday People exposed him and his string of mucky text messages and phone calls.
Unfortunately for James, he has since let Salmon slip through his hands, and Mrs James is currently in consultation with the same lawyer who represented Karen Parlour. Ouch and double ouch.
Peter Shilton And The 'Meal'
When poor Colin found his wife Tina in a state of undress with goalkeeping legend Peter Shilton in a quiet country lane, he probably didn't know whether to ask for his autograph or smack him one. Shilts did not stick around to find out: driving hurriedly off - straight into a lamppost.
Shilton was arrested for drink-driving and was eventually fined £350 and banned from driving for 15 months. In court he admitted to 'taking a lady for a meal' - which is certainly one way of putting things.
Yorke, Bozzer And The Skirt
Being friends with Dwight Yorke has its advantages. And besides always being 'the good-looking one' is the fact that you get to share in the great man's poon. The problem only comes when he films it and casually throws the video away to be found by an enterprising Sun reader.
Thus in 1998 we were treated to pictures of Bosnich, Yorke, an unnamed man and two women in various stages of undress, performing what the tabloids call 'sex acts' on each other.
Several pictures alarmingly showed Bosnich in a skirt, while others showed his toes being sucked (by the women, not Dwight) and the cream of the, erm, crop pictured our man leaning over a dresser while one of the women prepared to smack him with a paddle.
Lovely.
Jamie Carragher And The Whipped Cream
The scousest man in Britain ('wha'?) was dressed as the Hunchback of Notre Dame when the strippers arrived for the Liverpool Christmas party of 1998. Soon he cast off his hump, lost his own trousers, threw one stripper over his shoulder, got out the whipped cream and then engaged in 'sex acts'.
Unfortunately for him, the News of the World procured the pictures and over a four-page spead - thankfully with offending 'parts' blacked out - we were treated to a lesson in debauchery from the man who can indeed play in a variety of positions.
Most interesting though, the newspaper reported that Michael Owen retired sheepishly to stand in a corner while Paul Ince looked 'concerned'. Robbie Fowler was presumably busy snorting the cream.
Garry Flitcroft And The Lapdancer. And The Nursery Nurse
In 2001 an 'England footballer' gagged the Sunday People after they threatened to reveal details of the married 'England footballer's' affair with two women. Who could it be? David Beckham? Nah, he's too clean-cut, we thought. Michael Owen? Nah, he wasn't married.
But it was bigger than that - it was England B footballer and Blackburn midfielder Garry Flitcroft, who temporarily stopped the Sunday tabloid from revealing details of his muckiness with a lap-dancer and a nursery nurse (we're guessing he doesn't go for a 'type').
Unfortunately the two women knew each other and conspired to stitch up the midfielder who had absent-mindedly forgotten to tell the unhappy ladies he was married, and had not coughed up the £5000 he had promised to one unhappy woman (guess which) for cosmetic surgery.
Funnily enough, Mrs Flitcroft wasn't happy either.
Stan Collymore And The Doggers
If you really must go looking for sex with strangers in public places - and some of us really must - then it's probably best not to go with a personalised license plate. Especially if you're Stanley Victor Collymore.
The Sun must have thought all their Christmases had come at once in Franz Beckenbauer style when doggers in the Midlands reported that SVC1 had been soliciting folk for sex in laybys frequented by the dogging fraternity. As we all either rushed to find out what 'dogging' is, or pretended that we didn't really know that much about it, Stanley added 'sexual pervert' to a CV that included 'woman-beater' and 'prat'.
But he also proved to be a gentleman, texting The Sun journalist: 'Lucy is very attractive, and would love to get intimate with her but if you guys at first only want to be watched, then that’s fine.'
Which is nice. Though possibly not for Stan's wife Estelle.
Wayne Rooney And The Hooker
'To Charlotte, I shagged u on 28 Dec. Loads of Love. Wayne Rooney.'
We suspect that Rooney trying to explain away that little note to a prostitute was the reason fiancee Coleen reportedly hurled her engagement ring into a squirrel sanctuary near their Merseyside home.
His inevitable argument that it was 'a different Wayne Rooney' would not have stood up to the ironclad testimony of 'leggy' Charlotte Glover, who told the Sunday Mirror: "There was no mistaking it was Wayne Rooney because he was dead ugly."
Ruud Gullit, Gazza And The Pizza Waitress
'There was not a lot of foreplay, but I didn't mind...Ruud is very well endowed' - that was the verdict of pizza waitress Lisa Jensen on Ruud Gullit - inventor of 'sexy football' (but not 'sexy sex', it seems), wearer of dreadlocks and lover of women.
But despite Jensen's revelations in the Sunday tabloids, Ruud still persuaded Estelle Cruyff (niece of Johan) to become his third wife, saying: "Estelle knows what I am really like and that is all that matters to me."
Now we know this is not true and clearly what's really bothering Gullit is that the saucy pizza waitress was also having it away with Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne and she declared the fat, alcoholic Geordie a far better lover. Now that's got to hurt...
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